The name of the blog seems a little off now considering I turned 19 one week back. But I don't care.

It's fine. It's just a place for me to vent in any case. Simply put, I am tired.

I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being unable to breathe. I am tired of being haunted by the same thoughts again and again. I am tired of the fact that a single song, a few words, a story, a scene in a TV show, a fan fiction can make me cry.

I am tired of being depressed all the time. I am tired of fighting with people and pushing them out. I am tired of realizing that no one wants to push back in. I am tired of knowing that the walls I created around myself are still strong as ever because no one is willing to look past them.

I am tired of worrying about what I eat (because let's face it... chocolate helps depression). I am tired of crying all the time. I am tired of being unable to sleep at night. I am tired of waking up from the few hours of sleep I get only to find my cheeks wet and my breathing labored.

I am tired of lying about the fact that the puffiness in the eyes is due to lack of sleep and not because of anything else. I am tired that no one realizes I am lying. I am tired of people not noticing. I am tired of my own mum not noticing the hell I've been going through.

I'm tired of putting up with my friends tantrums because of some cancelled plans. I am tired of being overlooked and being taken for granted. I am tired of people thinking I am strong enough to handle my problems. I am tired of feeling that just because I can take care of myself doesn't mean I should have to.

I'm tired.

As always, this has gone on for too long.

Take care

Nupur
xx

So it's been a month since I posted anything here, but with good reason. I was on vacation and then everything just happened at once, it got kind of overwhelming.

I just want to share something I witnessed today.

On my way home from university I saw 2 people in the metro. 2 men. I don't know if they were a couple, they certainly seemed like a couple but I could be wrong. But they were gay for sure.
They weren't the flamboyant or obvious type of gay but their body language kind of gave them away. No 2 straight guys would stand that close to each other as they did.

Even if they weren't a couple, they had some sort of a close relationship. I could tell. There were discreet touches here and there meant only for them and for no one else to see. I myself gave them that privacy but hiding behind my book but I could still see.

There were small things here and there that led me to believe they loved each other. The way one of them would slowly and subtly slip his hand onto the other one's waist, even if it was for a moment only. The way the other one would fix the collar on the first one's jacket when it got messed (and believe me it got messed more than once). The way the taller one kept his chin on the shorter one's shoulder and leaned onto his back.

They could be best friends, they could be boyfriends, they could be husbands for all I know but the fact that they did these small things with each other in a public place in a country which is not exactly supportive of homosexuality made me smile.

It in a way showed me all the things I want but can't have. The tiny gestures that every girl wants, the gestures and feelings I want but haven't had because I just have terrible luck. The silent conversations, the soft spoken words meant for that special someone... I want all of it, but I haven't had it and chances of me getting it are slim to none.

I know things have gotten worse for me... and I know this for a fact because my best friend told me that it's high time I got laid or at least lip raped for now. When she talks like that, I know I've hit rock bottom.

Anyhow, assignments are calling.

Later

Take care
xx