The name of the blog seems a little off now considering I turned 19 one week back. But I don't care.

It's fine. It's just a place for me to vent in any case. Simply put, I am tired.

I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being unable to breathe. I am tired of being haunted by the same thoughts again and again. I am tired of the fact that a single song, a few words, a story, a scene in a TV show, a fan fiction can make me cry.

I am tired of being depressed all the time. I am tired of fighting with people and pushing them out. I am tired of realizing that no one wants to push back in. I am tired of knowing that the walls I created around myself are still strong as ever because no one is willing to look past them.

I am tired of worrying about what I eat (because let's face it... chocolate helps depression). I am tired of crying all the time. I am tired of being unable to sleep at night. I am tired of waking up from the few hours of sleep I get only to find my cheeks wet and my breathing labored.

I am tired of lying about the fact that the puffiness in the eyes is due to lack of sleep and not because of anything else. I am tired that no one realizes I am lying. I am tired of people not noticing. I am tired of my own mum not noticing the hell I've been going through.

I'm tired of putting up with my friends tantrums because of some cancelled plans. I am tired of being overlooked and being taken for granted. I am tired of people thinking I am strong enough to handle my problems. I am tired of feeling that just because I can take care of myself doesn't mean I should have to.

I'm tired.

As always, this has gone on for too long.

Take care

Nupur
xx

So it's been a month since I posted anything here, but with good reason. I was on vacation and then everything just happened at once, it got kind of overwhelming.

I just want to share something I witnessed today.

On my way home from university I saw 2 people in the metro. 2 men. I don't know if they were a couple, they certainly seemed like a couple but I could be wrong. But they were gay for sure.
They weren't the flamboyant or obvious type of gay but their body language kind of gave them away. No 2 straight guys would stand that close to each other as they did.

Even if they weren't a couple, they had some sort of a close relationship. I could tell. There were discreet touches here and there meant only for them and for no one else to see. I myself gave them that privacy but hiding behind my book but I could still see.

There were small things here and there that led me to believe they loved each other. The way one of them would slowly and subtly slip his hand onto the other one's waist, even if it was for a moment only. The way the other one would fix the collar on the first one's jacket when it got messed (and believe me it got messed more than once). The way the taller one kept his chin on the shorter one's shoulder and leaned onto his back.

They could be best friends, they could be boyfriends, they could be husbands for all I know but the fact that they did these small things with each other in a public place in a country which is not exactly supportive of homosexuality made me smile.

It in a way showed me all the things I want but can't have. The tiny gestures that every girl wants, the gestures and feelings I want but haven't had because I just have terrible luck. The silent conversations, the soft spoken words meant for that special someone... I want all of it, but I haven't had it and chances of me getting it are slim to none.

I know things have gotten worse for me... and I know this for a fact because my best friend told me that it's high time I got laid or at least lip raped for now. When she talks like that, I know I've hit rock bottom.

Anyhow, assignments are calling.

Later

Take care
xx

Hello!

Yes today is a better day. I’m in a better mood but that’s because I leave for India day after tomorrow and frankly I cannot wait! I need the break and more importantly I need to get away from Dubai and the people living here for a bit. I will have NO internet and NO BlackBerry… so yayyy!

Anyhow that’s not what today’s post is about. I actually don’t know what today’s post is about. I really don’t and I think I’m okay with just rambling on for a while. Anything to take a break from my final essay. Oh yeah I just have one submission left and I have been getting SO distracted. Day before yesterday ‘Valentine’s day’ was coming on TV and I got hooked into Ashton Kutcher’s awesome face… what don’t judge me…. I’m 19 and he is hot!

And this was only in the evening. When I sat to do my work at night, Glee was on TV and if there’s one thing I can’t resist its Darren Criss’s face on a 42 inch screen. You didn’t expect me to just switch off the TV or close my eyes or something! I mean COME ON its Harry freakin’ Potter! And he’s adorable!!!!! Anyone who has seen AVPM and AVPS will agree with me. And if you haven’t seen the musicals then SHAME ON YOU! Go to YouTube now and watch them you useless freaks!

Yesterday it was The Big Bang Theory and Jim Parsons is just too hilarious to miss. After that it was some shady Hindi movie which I didn’t even like except it had Salman Khan and hel-lo he is drool worthy!

Those abs… man I had stars in my eyes.

Ok so I have a thing for celebs… so sue me… every girl does… ok yes maybe I am a little more extreme because my phone and laptop wallpaper is the oh so adorable Chris Colfer and aforementioned Darren Criss.

Speaking of whom, I’ve noticed every time I study with his music on I focus SO much better than usual. It’s like he eggs me on to study better and do my work properly. Awesome yes?

I’ve made like 4 CD’s so far all with Darren Criss songs which I play every day in my music system.

I rambled quite a bit. Enough! Back to how globalization has caused the news to become homogenized and the society these days is hegemonic.

Don’t even ask.

Tata

Nupur

Xx

I feel like the biggest idiot on this planet some days... wait scratch that.. that's what I feel everyday single day!

I do things I shouldn't, fall for people who I know are way beyond my league or as the trend with me is.. fall for a douchebag, say I have no expectations but still harbour a little hope somewhere deep inside of me and then when the time comes and reality sets in I once again end up with a broken hurt and a string of curses and a voice in my head chiding me for having gotten my hopes up even by 0.1 % in the first place.

But in my defense, I'm only human. Everyone makes mistakes. But most people learn from their mistakes. I don't. I repeat them over and over again untill the dam of bearing any amount of crap breaks and the emotions come tumbling out in form of tears, misplaced anger and general snappiness.

Currently that is my emotional part, complete with tears and the theatrics. I will be the first to admit that I am a HUGE drama queen and that I thrive on the drama solely because I create it. But some things even I can't fake. And that is heartbreak.

I can however fake happiness. I do it all the time. Every single day in fact. I take no pride in this fact because I know by saying this I don't come across as the most cheerful or sane person. But trust me, I am cheerful when I want to be. People call me 'happy go lucky'.

The people who really know me, know that I AM happy go lucky and bubbly and vivacious and every other word under the sun related to that, but I also need my space. When I'm hurt, I will never show it. I'll probably never tell you that I have issues. I'll be happy on the outside.

But the trick with me is to look underneath the surface and layers of defensive walls. Most people don't bother, they accepy my personality at face value.

I just realized I have no idea what I went on and on about. Guess I should stop.

Later

Tata
Nupur
xx

Today's post is not about him Really it isn't. I mean there are going to be slight references to him here and there but I swear I'll keep it to a minimum.

Every time I feel like I will be fine, he does something or says something or posts something that sends me head first right back into my funk. I tell you social networking is a pain in the ass. I almost want delete mt Facebook, Twitter and Blogger accounts, turn off my BBM and throw my BlackBerry right into the Arabian Sea from where it can never be found again.

I even considered getting my internet connection cut off just so I could have some peace of mind. But then I realized I wouldn't be able to do any of my assignments which would be another ginaormous pain in the ass.

I can't even sleep properly these days because of social networking. I tried taking a power nap this afternoon for an hour so I would wake up fresh and energetic and would be able to study. People DON'T let me sleep! I had barely fallen asleep when I felt my BlackBerry buzzing and ringing like there was some sort of fire somewhere.

I picked it up only to see like 3 BBM's and 4 Facebook notifications. Turns out it was just one of those crazy group study thingies where everyone decides to talk at the same time and this time they wanted to commandeer my attention. Sad for me since I couldn't even sleep and then I ended up getting snappy.

I mean you CAN'T blame me! I'm an insomniac and people like me... you never mess with them when it comes to sleep. I can barely sleep for more than 2-3 hours on a normal day and the one chance I get to sleep, my friends ruin it. Joy to my world!!

I guess I'm done rambling on for now. Time to hit the books again.
Later

Tata
Nupur
xx

I wish I could say today was better. But it wasn’t. It so wasn’t.

The day started off well. I thought I would dress up, go to college, enjoy International Day and not worry about anything else. And it all went as expected until I saw him again, looking down at me from where he was standing on the first floor. There was no hint of a smile or even remote recognition. I felt bad. But I pushed it at the back of my mind like I always do.

Needless to say I couldn’t really focus in class after that. The rest of the day was what you would call sucky. Turns out he wasn't single like he led me to believe. I guess in a way I'm glad I got to know before things got out of hand.

But that doesn't mean I don't feel like I've been betrayed. I don’t know how I should be reacting. The pain is back, so is the feeling of breathlessness. Simply looking at him hurts. And this is not the first time this is happening.

He’s like this constant buzz in my life, the more I try and push him out of my life the more he tries to push his way back in. Every time I try and move on, I find that I can’t. Because he is always there. It’s always been him for me.

At one point in time there was someone else but that was also a case of unrequited love. And this thing with him leaves me on unbalanced grounds all the time.

I know going on and on and on about a boy may make me sound pretentious and vain and self-centred and boy crazy but I don’t really care. If it does, let it. I have far more important things to worry about.

Now I look forward to going to India in 2 weeks. I need to get away from Dubai to a place where I won’t have my BlackBerry or my laptop or any access to Facebook or the internet in general.

I just realized I’ve been blogging here constantly for 3 days now. I’m not glad this crap happened but I guess this is the silver lining in my dark cloud, it got me to start writing again.

More tomorrow.
Tata
Nupur
xx

All day long I’ve been battling with what to say, what to think and who to share this with. In the end nothing worked out and here I am writing. Again.

My life is what you would call a complex myriad of emotions right now. Simply put I’m in love and the feelings are not reciprocated. Let me tell you it is NOT easy being in love with someone who has no idea what you’re going through and incidentally happens to be one of your best friends.

Today was this big ass submission for me and the Business students had some essay due as well. Now those people are dumb, like really dumb sometimes. My certain someone is one of those people who cannot reference an essay to save his life.

He asked me for help. It’s a little hard to say no don’t you think. So I left my work for later and went about helping him (along with my other friends) out. Needless to say the whole incident went kinda shitty. I couldn’t help but stare at him the whole time I was helping him or doing my own work.

I think it’s the eyes. They’ve always held my attention. It’s not my fault. They’re hazel green in colour, and they’re not contacts. All day long wherever I went, whenever I shut my eyes to turn off my brain and rest it all I could see were those eyes.

I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight because of this very reason. In the evening I went for a movie thinking it would distract me and it did. Sort of. I think I’m losing my mind, very slowly. Since I got home from an ‘awesome’ study session in the library, not only are the eyes haunting me but I’m feeling overwhelmed. Like I can’t breathe. Like my throat is closing up. I even felt this weird pain near my heart.

Like I said, losing my mind.

And the worse part, how do I tell anyone any of this without sounding like some psychotic person who needs a shrink. So I decided to blog. No judgements right?

Well I think I should go. Maybe at least try and take my mind off him. We’ll see how that goes.

Tata

Nupur

xx